All There's Left To Say
by norearviewmirrors
Summary: Stefan takes Elena home after they leave the school in 3x20, Stefan goes home and finds ? "They had already said a thousand I love you's, and this was all there was left to say it was the confirmation of Elena making her choice, the way she'd said it was like a child asking for a treat, knowing that she would either get what she wanted, or she would be paralyzing disappointment R


Stefan eventually had to bring Elena home, it was around one-thirty and Mystic Falls seemed as though it had completely shut down and embraced the dark sky. As he walked her to her door, she seemed as though she was trying not to make a sound, though her eyes looked like she was about to say something she had been dying to say forever, her lips were tightly pursed into a flat line, she was slightly shaking and had begun reaching for the door knob about 2 steps before she had even got to the door, jamming her key into the lock, and pushing the door open with the small amount of strength she had left. Stefan just watched her, studying her and preparing himself to catch her if she fell over from exhaustion.

He watched as she took a few steps inside the house, just far enough to give Stefan room to walk in and close the door behind them- which he did- and then she'd stopped, and looked at her house. She noted all the lights had been off, an indication that Jeremy had not come home yet, still out with Matt.

She envisioned where Alaric would be if he was still here, probably watching from the kitchen, trying to figure out if Elena had chosen Stefan, like everyone else was. She pictured what Jenna would have said if she was with him, maybe commenting on how cute Stefan looked or how she should have gotten a picture of them two before they had left earlier. She thought of her parents, Miranda who would have been shocked Elena's date hadn't been Matt, and Greyson who would sit in the next room over watching the football game, trying not to think of his daughter on a date.

There was a small haunted smile on Elena's face as she imagined a sight she hardly ever allowed herself to, a house full of her family, of all the people she loved, picturing a thanksgiving where Alaric could meet Greyson, and Bonnie and Tyler could share with Jenna their plans for the break. Elena's family, all of them together, she allowed herself for only seconds before she phased back into reality, an empty, dark house that held so many memoires, it tore her apart knowing how different things had become.

Elena slowly turned to Stefan, something struggling within her, "Goodnight Stefan, I love you", she said, though it was quiet, he'd heard her. She was afraid to hug him, afraid that if she did, she would never leave his arms, afraid she would collapse into him. Stefan was torn, he needed to go home, to take care of Damon, but he wanted more than anything to stay.

Stefan brought his hand to her cheek, caressing her jaw bone gently as Elena leaned her forehead onto his; and their lips just inches apart. "I'll come back in the morning, if you need anything, call me," he stated, as Elena nodded slightly "really, if you're scared, or if you just need someone next to you, call." He knew she wouldn't,, he was too proud, too determined on being strong all the time.

"Okay" she whispered, and it was hardly audible, but Stefan heard it clearly. He gently grazed his lips over hers, not kissing her, then pulled away, whispering a quiet "I love you too" and then walked back to his car. Driving away was the hardest thing he had experienced all night, solely because he had spent enough time away from her.

Stefan got back to the boarding house around 1:45, realized Damon wasn't home yet, and stumbled into his room. As he lay in his bed, something caught his eye; it was "Berry the bear" as Elena cleverly had named her stuffed animal, sitting on his bedside dresser. Stefan remembered a sacred moment when he had asked Elena about it, and she had shyly told him that she had it since birth, and she couldn't sleep without either Berry by her side, or Stefan himself. Stefan smiled gently at the memory, it seemed forever ago, he picked up Berry, and noticed a small paper lying on the floor at the base of the small dresser, it was a paper that looked as though it had fallen out of a diary and it had writing only on one side.

"Dear Stefan" he began reading "there is so much that I want to tell you, but I don't know where to start. Well first, I think Damon found you; he wants to go to Chicago and get me to convince you to come home. I'm going to go, because I love you, and I haven't given up, but I know even if we find you, you won't come. If I allow myself to admit it, I'm more scared of what you will find than what I will, because there are ways to fix this part of you, of helping you learn control, but me, I don't know if I'm fixable, I don't know if the scars on my heart that have been gashed by grief, and loss, and loneliness, and fear will ever disappear as long as we are apart, and knowing that makes me scared that you won't want this version of me." Stefan let out a grim smile at the irony; _he_ wouldn't want this version on _her? _He would love her no matter what…he LOVED her. The letter continued,

"I hate all of this, I hate being away from you, and I hate that when I feel like giving up you aren't there to hold me, I hate the way your scent has almost disappeared from your room and especially your bed. You should know that while you've been gone, I've been staying in your room at night; my house is far too empty without Jeremy, and Rick only sometimes stays over. I hardly ever sleep though, the memories of us follow me around, and while I think of them, they give me hope, and almost happiness, but when they disappear, I'm left with despair and pain." Part of Stefan's heart broke, remembering the nostalgic look on Elena's face when she walked in her house earlier, and realizing he left her right when the despair and pain was about to set in.

In his left hand, Stefan held the letter, and in his right, he still held Berry, now tightly gripping it as if it was all he had left of the girl he loved. "Bonnie said this might help me, writing letters to you about what I would say if you were here, and then not sending them. To be honest, I think she's more worried about me than usual, her and Caroline keep calling me to 'check in' every half hour, and even Matt and Tyler come over and take me for hikes to keep me distracted…

Wanna know a secret, Stefan?…it doesn't work, I still think about you, all the time. Sometimes I wonder where you are, who you're seeing, what you're doing, mostly, I wonder if you're thinking about me." Stefan felt awful, of course he thought about her, every second, every time he blinked he'd seen her behind his eyelids, yet he made her doubt that, he had to, he promised to protect her, and he was trying to.

"When I'm greedy, I imagine you coming back to me, sneaking in the house and waking me up and telling me you're here forever, or I imagine you standing behind me, and I can almost feel your arms wrap around my waist, and you pressed against my back so close I can feel every muscle in your torso and your arms. All the little things that I need to get me through the day".

"It hurts that they're all just imagination, but I'll be okay. I think that's the hardest part, being strong. Rick says I'm the strongest person he has ever met, but I disagree, I think I'm a coward, and a fraud because I can pretend to hate you, but honestly, I don't know if I ever will." The pain grew immensely, he was so sorry he had left her to be strong without him.

"I want to thank you for taking care of me when you were here, for being everything I needed and more, for being everything to me." The irony was too much; she had saved him just as much, if not more, than he saved her. Now Stefan was overwhelmed, no matter what he did, she never gave up on him. He had threated to turn her, and drive her off of Wickery Bridge, yet she found it somewhere in her to forgive him and look past that. She was strong, but she had no idea.

"I must be losing my mind, this isn't working at all, Bonnie was wrong- she totally saw this on Oprah. I gotta go, Damon is yelling at me to hurry up, he misses you more than you know, he loves you Stefan, and so do I. All my love, forever and always- Lena."

Tears fell like a rainstorm from Stefan's face, and he closed his eyes trying not to look at his surroundings and imagine Elena grieving here while he was gone. But he saw it even with his eyes closed, he saw Elena's eyes tonight, and wondered if what she wanted to say tonight was in this letter. Without a second thought, Stefan carefully laid the letter on his bed, and rushed to his car, Berry still in hand. He sped as fast as he could to get to the Gilbert house, and when he pulled up, he finally took in the time…2:33 AM. She was most likely sleeping, right? Damn, he mentally kicked himself, okay, he would just watch her sleep, being that close to her would be enough for him, he thought. He gently tucked Berry into his jacket pocket, and jumped onto a small piece of roof outside Elena's window.

As he peered inside, he expected to see Elena sleeping, just resting after a night of such sadness, but instead she wasn't in bed at all, she was sitting on the floor, back against her bed, her knees at her chest, and her head in her hands, crying, sobbing, and mumbling words that Stefan could only barley make out as "why" and "not strong enough." Then she started naming all her loved ones who have died: Jenna, Miranda, Greyson, Rick, John…and then began convincing herself it was all her fault as she wiped her tears with the sleeve of what looked like a red baggy sweater that Stefan quickly recognized as his own. Stefan's' heart shattered like glass, and pierced him like wood.

Stefan could no longer wait, he had to get in, to hold her, so when he saw an opening, he gently tapped his ring on the glass of the window, and Elena's head shot up, at first in fear, and then once she recognized it was Stefan, her face turned to shame, as though she was embarrassed. She didn't move, just looked at him with her big brown eyes, and watched him as he let himself in.

Once inside he knelt down beside her, and began to allow soft tear drops to fall." You said you would call" he mumbled, and the tiniest smile tore through at the corner of Elena's mouth. "Sorry" she whispered, looking down, embarrassed. Her hair was wet and natural waves were starting to appear, her skin was damp, and her makeup was off, she had taken a shower.

Stefan slipped an arm under her knees, and another behind her neck, and scooped her up, and gently placed her on her bed, she opened her eyes fully, and wordlessly asked him to join her, which he did. He lay beside her, and kept his arm under her neck, as she placed her head on his chest, her body curling into him.

"I found this" he whispered into her hair, pulling Berry out from his pocket, and Elena's eyes held a smidge of joy in seeing her childhood friend, "I figured you'd need it". Her crying had stopped, but stray tears still fell from her eyes, "thank you" she said solemnly, "but, I need you more",

They had already said a thousand I love you's, and this was all there was left to say it was the confirmation of Elena making her choice, the way she'd said it was like a child asking for a treat, knowing that she would either get what she wanted, or she would be paralyzingly disappointed.

"You have me" he swore to her, for the second time that night. "And I have you",

As Elena fell asleep, for the best sleep she'd had since Stefan had left last summer, Stefan took in the scent of Elena and her room, and her bed, a light maple-walnut smell…wondering what he would do without that scent, and the feeling of home that warmed over him when he smelt it. He wondered how it would feel to sit in this bed alone, and not smell her, or feel her there, like an empty shell, and he shuddered, how Elena had done it, he didn't know. But he knew she loved him more than anything in the world, more than anyone knew was _humanly_ possible, and he swore he would somehow spend every minute with her convincing her that he loved her with the same -if not more- amount of passion.


End file.
